In order to overcome emotional pain and feelings of abandonment, you must first restore confidence in your sexuality. If you were left by your man no matter what happened at the peak of the relationship or when the breakup was imminent, it is always difficult to cope with this pain. Often a rejected partner has a feeling of his own insolvency, worthlessness, and sometimes such a strong fear of the possibility of being abandoned again that it becomes extremely difficult for him to decide to enter into a new relationship.
If you were neglected in the midst of a relationship, it could have been because of an apparent sexual incompatibility, or for reasons not directly related to sex. For example, some throw partners in retaliation for real or imagined grievances. Others begin to feel such dislike for their partner that the thought of having sex with him becomes unacceptable to them. Whatever your reasons for being alone, it will be hard for you. However, if it does happen, you can take steps to help overcome the pain, as well as restore your sexuality and self-confidence.
Diana. Monty, Diana's husband, after ten years of marriage, left her for another woman. During their life together, he often criticized Diana's sexual behavior, and when she came to me, she was so unsure of her sexuality that she was afraid of any new relationship.
Diana is 37 years old. Pharmacist, divorced.
By nature, Diana is very demanding to herself, prone to pedantry. At work and at home it is all perfectly. Childless. Monty's departure is so wounded her that, seeking for new sexual relations she was not able to overcome her fear to be abandoned again.
Every time I think of a new man, I'm terrified. I convince myself that things will be different now, but I can't. Deep down, I'm still afraid I can't make it in bed. Monty kept telling me that I was incompetent and good for nothing. Try again, risking to run into the same thing? I loved Monty with all my heart, did everything for him, and still wasn't good enough. God knows why I still love him. I can't imagine going to bed with anyone else. Monty reproached me for a lot of things, including the fact that I'm passive in bed. He was probably right about that. But in my fantasies, I always imagined doing all sorts of nice things for the man I loved. I think Monty has criticized me so often that he has completely discouraged me from taking the initiative. I may not be very creative as a lover, but I liked sex. I think I could do better with someone who would help me without criticizing me. I was just unlucky. But now, after all this, to have someone else? What am I supposed to do with my sex drive?
Diana's problem was, first, a sense of her own sexual inadequacy and rejection, and, second, Diana's inherent quest for perfection. Demanding people who set themselves unattainable goals are doomed to failure. In such cases, it is important to understand where this unrestrained pursuit of the ideal comes from. As a rule, it turns out that it was formed in childhood, when the child tried to please too demanding parents, always something dissatisfied. Even when we leave our parents' home, the pattern of behavior learned in childhood does not disappear. Only now the desire to please the parents transferred to her husband, lover or boss. Sometimes we are lucky, and our efforts are appreciated. This helps to relax and understand that the pursuit of perfection should not obscure everything else.
However, more often we unconsciously choose a partner to replace us with «unbearable» parents, whom we once unsuccessfully tried to please. Diane was necessary to consult a psychologist. Only a specialist could reveal her attitudes to childhood. She didn't have enough self-confidence to get rid of the guilt and do what she really wanted, and not follow the pattern of behavior that had developed. It was very important for Diana to know her own sexuality. She had never masturbated in her life, even in early childhood, and she only experienced orgasm during sexual intercourse, and even then not always. The study of her sexual desires and reactions would allow Diana to gain confidence in herself, and in a new relationship she could show her sexuality more fully. Moreover, she would be very helped by the program of self-satisfaction: in order to develop her sexuality, it is not necessary to count on a partner. Although masturbation is different from sexual intercourse emotionally, it can also be a powerful source of sexual satisfaction.